So Cowgirl and I Are Off to China Tomorrow ...

And what has felt like a 'surreal' possibility for so long, is suddenly quite real and now the 24 hour clock is ticking!

This is a particularly huge adventure for Cowgirl - her first time back in China since we became a family 4 years ago. And my first time back in my daughter's homeland since she was placed in my arms.

China - the place that I emotionally struggled to leave. The place we had to take her from in order to give her a decent chance at life. That last day in Beijing before we headed home with our new daughter in July 2006 was filled with such intense emotions for me. I felt torn between what seemed like two conflicting desires: I couldn't wait to get home safely and continue our lives together, and yet, at the same time I felt such a deep sorrow about taking her away from the birth culture that she should have been able to grow up in safely and lovingly. But that wasn't an option for her given her arduous start in life. So ... I said 'good bye' to China that day with such a heavy heart. And I sobbed for the entire 12 hours of the flight home - a culmination of emotion that held its roots in so many experiences. I’ve never really been able to articulate what that felt like - four years later and the words still haven't come to me properly.

So for weeks now, I have held intense emotions at bay, though every day I feel them bulging in my throat wanting to burst but I know if I do that, the fountain of all that is in my heart may not stop flowing. And this adventure we are about to embark on is as much for my daughter and what she has 'lost' as it is for the charity mission we are embarking on for Hope4China's children.

And because I am so aware of the depth of emotions that are going on for me in my heart ... I am even more intensely mindful of the many different emotions and reactions that Cowgirl must already be feeling. She doesn’t know how to speak about it all yet, of course. But her recent clinginess, and her restless sleep some nights, and her general need for a thousand percent more cuddles lately ... all tells me, loud and clear, that this is a BIG BIG BIG adventure for her. And perhaps her young wisdom is more in tune than I am giving her credit for.

I hear myself thinking, perhaps selfishly, that I hope this visit to China triggers some questions for her. Because there is SO much I want to tell her. So much that I want her to hear from 'me'. But so far she's had a rather laissez-faire view of her history from China. And I realize that's 'on the surface' and not representative of what's in her heart. I know that. Before we met Cowgirl, she had been through stuff that most people will never experience in their lifetime. Thankfully. So ‘stuff’ will take a while to bubble up. And it will. On her own terms. And I will have to remind myself to 'get out of her way' and let her process this experience in the way that she knows best for herself.

So ... my 'head' says that we should just go and embrace every experience; every smell, every touch, every sight, every sound, every taste, every encounter, every connection.

And my 'heart' says ... 'prepare for a restive time'.

And it will be what it will be.

But that is a challenge for me. It's one thing to be organized with the tasks associated with a big journey like this. But it's another thing altogether to anticipate every possible emotional outcome from our experience. And I am a person who doesn't like to waste any life lessons. But this time ... I will be well out of my own comfort zone and 'going with the flow' will be less about being 'flexible' - and more about keeping my heart as open as possible - so that I can help Cowgirl cope with whatever her heart decides it’s time to deal with.

But the beauty of it all? We will be locked in the experience together. And I love the sound of that!

I won't be taking my laptop, so unfortuantely I won't be able to update this blog while in China. We will just be in too many remote places. But I will be keeping a journal (and Cowgirl wants to keep one for her classmates as well), and we will have an abundance of photos, stories, experiences and new wisdom to share when we return.

谢谢 xiè xie
多保重 duō bǎo zhòng

Thank you and take care!

E xxx